Our week in hell

There are so many subjects that are taboo today. If its not a subject, then you're told its weird or wrong to be open about your life or discuss situations or experiences that aren't very happy and full of rainbows. Unfortunately, thats not real and its not life and there is nothing wrong with sharing you're truth or your life experiences, especially if you are doing it because someone else out there might find comfort in your words. That is my goal.

After first discussing it with A, I've decided to share our fertility journey starting with the beginning. My goal is to post as things happen, be it a treatment or a discovery.

Last year, we were having a discussion on family. We both knew we wanted to be parents, and we were both somewhat skeptical that we could even conceive. There was no REAL, medical reason for us to believe that, but as it happens with some, it was a worry. However, as many women know, doctors won't even look at you until its been a year of trying. You have to go through a year of false positives, or just constant negatives before your doctor will even take blood or check levels. I know, because I tried. With no help or advice from doctors (which I knew would happen), we went ahead to start our year.

With a recommendation from a friend, I downloaded the app Glow. This app can be heaven and hell all in one, but either way it truly is helpful. It is a free app, that tracks your period, ovulation, mood, sleep, your BBT (Basal Body Temperature), moods, when you've BD (Baby danced as its called on the app) amongst many, many other things. There is also a forum available to ask and answer questions, as well as post test so others can tell you if that faint line you might see is actually there or if you are just crazy.

With the app and a few more recommendations in hand, we went on with TTC.

On January 23rd, I knew I was supposed to start my period in two days and couldn't wait to test and surprisingly, I got my first positive pregnancy test, and then three more. We were so excited and I immediately went to the clinic to get it confirmed, which it was. So we told our friends. We told our family and we were happy.

A few nights later I experienced some spotting and a day later I had miscarried. It was something that I didn't think would happen. I had been taking prenatal for two months prior (it helps with TTC, information received straight from a doctor), we aren't unhealthy people so that wasn't a worry, and I hadn't physically exerted myself. So why had this happened? One thing I didn't realize was how common it is. Does that help comfort someone who has just lost a pregnancy? No, not in the least. It was actually the worst thing to hear because in some ways it was just saying "hey, it happens to everyone, move on" Since the miscarriage, we've continued to try and nothing has happened. After a miscarriage, the first three months you are the most fertile, apparently that applies to everyone else but me. Today I would have been almost 5 months pregnant, instead, I wait for an open appointment to see a fertility specialist to get checked out.

A few things I feel are important to note is:

Everyones situation is different. So many times on the Glow app, people will ask if the spotting they are seeing is implantation bleeding. I asked almost 10 of my friends their experiences, myself included, maybe 3 people saw some spotting. Its not common, and it tells nothing. You know how you know if you are or aren't pregnant? You wait. Thats the worst isn't it? But thats how it is, when you are TTC to cling to everything while waiting for a hard yes or no, but every person is different and just because one person "had a negative this day but a day later got a positive" unfortunately doesn't mean you will too. You have to breathe, relax and wait it out.

Be supportive. Everyone needs support in different ways, but its never okay to belittle someones pain or even push your pain onto someone else. I miscarried and then a few weeks later found out a close friend was pregnant. I was beyond excited for her, how could I not be? I miscarried, and needed to be left alone for almost a week. As in, not caring about anyone else, not talking about my feelings, nothing. As weird as that is for me, and people around me expect differently, they let it happen.

Understand that the doctors, and pharmacist are there to help. This one is for me. While in the ER, the doctor was not... the most sensitive. His words "well you're here so I suspect you know whats going on" Well, yes sir, but you've built my hope up for the last two hours so I was hoping you were here to tell me otherwise. Oh, and the poor pharmacist. I think A had to stop me from snapping at her after she checked to make sure I wasn't pregnant before giving me medicine. Honestly, its a hard thing to go through. Rather you want a baby or not, it is still hard and under no circumstances does someone not have the right to be upset. Wanted or not, early or late, everyone gets to feel that loss, but its important to remember there are people there for support. I was lucky to have and still have my husband who is the most supportive as we go through this journey.

I don't know when the next post for our journey will be, as I'm waiting on my referral, but next up will be covering my first visit to a specialist.

xo

-B