Baby Series: Pregnancy After Loss

Last January my husband and I went through a loss that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. One that neither of us thought would happen, that no one ever does think will happen to them but one that unfortunately is very common. We suffered a miscarriage of our first pregnancy.

After this happened, we got the usual "maybe it was meant to be", "maybe it wasn't the right time." None of which were very comforting might I add. Then one day as I was on the phone with my mom, she mentioned that her coworker said that God had spoken to her and said that my husband and I would get pregnant again and be blessed with 2. I rolled my eyes as I usually do when someone says something like this because its not something that I personally take too seriously.

After this, followed months of negative pregnancy test, followed with lab work after lab work, exams and one very uncomfortable procedure. And RIGHT before we were supposed to talk to our fertility specialist about our options, I finally got the positive pregnancy test we had been waiting for.

There was nothing but excitement from me. At least for a couple of days.

What no one mentions during the rare conversations about the loss of a pregnancy, is that when you do get pregnant again, there's a dark cloud that kind of lingers over you.

For us it meant that A was hesitant to get excited. Almost until 12 weeks when we finally told everyone. For me it meant that I would get anxious and scared over every tiny symptom not knowing if the symptom was because of a healthy pregnancy or a sign of another unhealthy one. This anxiety would last until the next appointment, and then I would be okay for a couple days and it would just come right back.

What didn't help was not even a full week after getting our positive, I woke up to blood. It was like deja-vu, this was just how it happened last time. The problem is my options were to go to the ER (I was supposed to be at work in 2 hours) or wait until the next day and just walk into the OB office and hope that the front desk lady was feeling sympathetic. See, I get seen at a hospital on a military base and typically its very hard to get seen for something like this without going to the ER. Luckily the lady sent me to get blood work. Obviously everything was okay, but this scare actually helped me a lot with getting through the first few months. Because of this scare and my prior miscarriage, the doctor decided to see me EVERY week, even though I was only 5 weeks at this time. Then because it was twins, I had to keep coming often. These frequent trips made me a lot less anxious but didn't get rid of it completely.

Fast forward to our baby shower and I saw more blood. I was further along, so that time we went straight to the ER. I swear every time it was hard to breathe, I got dizzy or winded standing, or I cramped, we got so anxious.

On the other hand, I wasn't just anxious all the time, I felt extremely guilty every single day. I swore after our loss that no matter what, I would love, no, ADORE, every second of being pregnant and I would cherish it all no matter what. Please, everyone laugh with me. Every symptom/side effect I could get, I did. Times 2 because we were double blessed. I immediately realized that I absolutely hated being pregnant. There wasn't one day where I thought, "I can't wait to do this again." Being pregnant made me REALLY think why people who didn't conceive twins, have multiple children. Are babies really THAT cute? (They totally are, lets be real; I'm obsessed) I didn't even carry to full term and by 30 weeks I swore up and down I would never have anymore children and that there was no way I could possibly make it another day. And after each thought, I told myself to suck it up because we were finally getting our miracle and how could I possibly be anything less than ecstatic to get the chance to grow and carry humans even if it meant I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without getting winded or that I had a cold for my entire pregnancy that was affecting both my sleep and even my job. Well I'm here to say that its okay to hate pregnancy. Who in their right mind enjoys throwing up food that you had no problem eating the day before.

One thing that added to the guilt was a question the nurses asked at every single appointment. The questions never changed when we went in.

"Have you traveled outside of the U.S. in the last 30 days?"

"Do you feel safe at home?" (I do, but my husband doesn't when I'm hungry)

And they always followed with "What number pregnancy is this for you?" So why did this question make me feel guilty? Because I always said, number 1. I knew what would follow if I said it was my second and I much preferred feeling guilty not acknowledging baby number 1 than answering more questions that crushed my heart. There was one, and only one appointment that I answered correctly because A looked confused so I said it was my second. They immediately followed with "So these are your second and third children you will have in the home?" I never answered that it was our second pregnancy again.

With all of the guilt and anxiety, we reached the last 4 weeks of the pregnancy and at that point we were just trying to make it to the final day. Going to the last few appointments we found out there were reasons why I was extra miserable, not just because it was a twin pregnancy and that added a little relief. Knowing there's a reason for something helped me feel better about the misery of the last 9 months, but did not change my mind about wanting to go through it again. Mostly because even as I was being told to lie back on the table and get ready to meet our girls for the first time, I was still anxious and wondering what was going to go wrong and prevent it from happening. While we got our healthy baby girls, it makes me wonder if I were to ever get pregnant again would the first pregnancy still be at the back of our heads, making us scared and anxious the whole time?